Tory cranks who lost their seat / are no longer in parliament after the 2024 election. The highlights:
After a pretty wretched 14 years in office, the Tories were unceremoniously booted out of government in July’s election with several of the Conservative’s most well-known names losing their seats. Here are some of the highlights:
1. Gillian Keegan
The former Education Secretary is famous for describing the quality of her own work in glowing terms, whilst “everyone else has sat on their arse”. She also said she would have punched “rude” Ofsted inspectors. Feisty.
Whatever she does next, I am sure she will do a fucking good job.
2. Penny Mordaunt
At a first glance, Penny Mordaunt may seem more credible than the others. Then again, she did back Liz Truss for leader…
She has now been given the boot.
Also, there was this questionable approach to audience engagement at Tory party conference…
3. Mark Harper
A quick one on Mark Harper. He was working in the immigration department when he did not realise he had an illegal immigrant working as a cleaner in his house. Easy done.
Now his career has bit the buffers, he will have plenty of time to clean his house.
4. Michelle Donelan
Good old Michelle Donelan called a Heriot-Watt University lecturer a Hamas supporter and had to pay out £15,000 of justice. More specifically, we taxpayers had to stump up the cash.
Maybe, she will be more careful outside of parliament.
5. Liz Truss
Truss was the Prime Minister who was outlasted by a lettuce. Aside from that, she has a strange phobia of imported cheese. The crackers moment is at 55 seconds:
She now has more time to look into the “deep state”, or whatever it is she is doing.
6. Douglas Ross
Now, Wee Dougie. He backed Boris and then backed Liz Truss’ mad budget. Questionable.
He resigned as Scottish Tory leader at the election after taking advantage of a fellow Tory MP being very ill and pinched their seat. Sneaky.
Despite having a bigger majority to defend, D-Ross lost the seat and was caught offside this election.
7. Jacob Rees-Mogg
Ah, the pantomime toff, the haunted pencil, Lil Moggie.
He was the Minister for Brexit Opportunities and then resigned because there weren’t any. He also voted against environmental protections whilst owning investments in oil and gas companies.
Maybe now he has the spare time to build that time machine back to the 18th Century he has always wanted.
Some Tories said previously they were leaving parliament. Here are some big hitters:
8. Theresa May
A Former PM, May was known for creating the shameful Hostile Environment when she was the Home Secretary.
She also had some strange dance moves at party conference — when she was in charge of the country.
At least she has lots of time to run through fields of wheat now.
9. Kwasi Kwarteng
Now we have Kami-Kwasi: Truss’ man behind the disastrous mini-budget where he scrapped the cap on banker’s bonuses and abolished the 45p rate.
He and Truss wiped around £30 billion off the British economy — in additional interest payments — after freaking the markets out with their policies.
Hope his pension has recovered from the economic shock.
10. Michael Gove
During the Covid-19 years, Cocaine Gove recommended Tory donor David Meller to the “VIP Lane”. Meller went on to win six PPE contracts worth a grand total of £164m of tax-payers money.
He has called it a day as an MP. However, 19 years in parliament is not to be snorted at.
11. Matt Hancock
Health Secretary Matt Hancock was caught schnecking his aide behind his wife’s back and breaking his lockdown guidelines — before clearing off to the jungle.
After leaving parliament, he may have the taste for sheep’s vagina: rumour says he bought a season ticket at Aberdeen FC.
Some Tories were already booted out. Here are the lowlights:
12. Neil Parish
We have Neil Parish, the guy looking at tractor porn in parliament.
He said the only thing he regretted was “looking at it a second time”. To be fair, those massive tyres are irresistible.
We plough on…
13. Chris Pincher
“Pincher by name, pincher by nature” is the quip for Chrissy boy.
BoJo (more on him later) tried to promote him to Chief Whip, even though he apparently had heard the stories about Pincher.
Hopefully, he is not feeling the pinch after losing out on the £90k+ MPs get every year.
14. Nadine Dorries
Next, good old Nadine Dorries. She went in the huff because she did not get added to the House of Lords.
She was the culture secretary when she conducted this bizarre interview on mild-mannered BBC Breakfast:
Dorries is done, in parliament, she is no more.
15. Boris Johnson
Boris, Where to start? Illegally proroguing parliament, PartyGate and THAT £350m a week EU whopper.
The guy who has been sacked more than once for lying famously said “Rules are for little people”, it turns out he is not as big as he thought.
He is the very definition of the corrupt, self-serving political class that Britain is in a far better place now we have seen the back of him and the rest of them.
